Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Why Oh Why Would I want to Be Anywhere Else

Initally I loved my blog, and then i hated it. 

My idea of my blog was to write things down that were bubbling around in my head - at the time I needed it most, the thing that I wanted to write about most, was reading my blog and I could not say anything. 

Now however, the thing is out of my life, and given it's short term memory retention I doubt that it would even remember the name of the blog so I would be free to expound on the horrors that were my working hours.   But Now I don't need to release my frustrations. 

It is horrible how one thing can fixate us so badly it affects the rest of our lives. It's not nice when your weekend is punctuated by the thought, "oh my god I have to face that again".   I cannot believe how free my life is now.  Okay - I still have family concerns (where are the kids, what are they doing, where will they end up, are they good), and money concerns (how can we spend so much money week in week out?), but work is settled, my love life is great.  How can one person love another for so long, and be at their best when they are with them? 

I truely found my soul mate with Si. I'm only a part when I'm without him. I'm a whole when we are together.   One of the problems with my old situation was that my togetherness was a problem. My happy family situation was a problem. Everything that I had, was a problem for them. In the end, I had to withdraw into myself and shut myself off from the misery that sat opposite me.   I could not share the enjoyment of my families success and acheivements. I could not share the sheer pleasure of a day spent with love ones.  I couldn't be myself, and help out, and smile and giggle, because all of that was a problem. 

Now I realise that the problem wasn't mine. It was theirs, and maybe I should have tried harder to make them see that life wasn't all bitterness and wanting. Maybe I could have demonstrated that life is enjoyment waiting to be grasped with both hands.  

But you know what, I believe I did try to do that and the negativity was too great to overcome.

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